Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Marital aides and their hiding spots

You read that subject right. Come on, we are all adults here. Everyone has marital aides of some kind. Movies, magazines, things that go buzz in the night. No shame in that but where the hell do you hide them when they are not in use?

About five years ago my wife and I had gone out to the grocery store and left our then 6 year old son Jason in the hands of our 13 year old daughter Justine. This was nothing new, we had done this before. We were probably running to the grocery store or some other quick little errand.

As we were pulling back up to the apartment we could see Jay standing in the doorway with something in his hand. "What the hell is that?" I asked Shawna. Her face was priceless. Embarrassment, shock, fear, disgust, and laughter all mixed into one amazing reaction. "Oh my God Eric! He has a dildo in his hand!" She yelled. cried, and laughed to me.

"Holy S**t you are right!" I laughed.

There he was shaking around a fake purple penis while standing at the sliding glass doors in the front of our apartment. Before the car had stopped and was in park Shawna jumped out of her seat and ran in to grab it from him. 

When she got to him he asked if it was a sword and if she wanted to play with him. Mortified she took it from his hands and threw it into the bedroom. It is not exactly like it was kept on the floor or anything. It was in our bedroom, in our closet, inside a jewelry box.

The second time we had an instance similar to this happen it was free of any kids, but not of co-workers. We were moving out of the apartment we were in and into a house. The aides were all placed in a plastic chest of drawers type storage unit that we used to store extra things in from our bedroom. "Do not let any of your friends move this, it has the toys in it," my wife snarled at me. "No problem babe, I got this!" I shouted back.

I picked up said drawer unit and placed it in the back seat of my co-workers truck. There were four of us crammed into that truck for this particular trip. Bzzzzzzz!!!! Bzzzzzzz!!!! Bzzzzzzz!!!  We all looked at each other as if to say, "Dude, your phone is ringing. Answer it!" Quickly I realized that there was no phone call, text message, or Facebook update causing this buzzing.

"Hey man, what do you have in there a bomb?!?!" one of my friends joked.
"Or a vibrator," laughed another.

When I didn't laugh they immediately realized the latter was correct and burst into laughter. When we got to the new house to unload the "drawers of fun" as they had quickly been named, my wife was waiting there. 

"What's so funny?" she asked.
"Here take this," I replied and handed her the vibrating drawers.

It took her a few seconds to realize what was in there. When she did, her face turned fire engine red, started laughing, and sped off into the house. Luckily for us she has a great sense of humor and an incredibly small amount of shame so this just became a running joke between us all.

So where exactly is the best spot to hide your "unmentionables"? I can tell you a few places that aren't! Between the mattress and boxed spring? Too obvious Dad! In the underwear drawer? Found those magazines Pop-Pop! In a locked suitcase in the basement under an old desk? Valiant effort Mr. Davis, but not good enough!

Our current spot seems to be a winner to this point. Except of course for the time we fell asleep with it behind a pillow and forgot to put it back. This particular device is not in the shape of anything recognizable to a 10 year old so when he laid down in our bed to watch a movie the next day he was none the wiser. I couldn't help but laugh when I walked in and saw him laying there with this toy poking out from behind a pillow about eight-teen inches from his head.

I slyly walked over, grabbed the toy, and threw it into the closet. No harm no foul. We started wondering if this type of thing only ever happened to us. Has anyone had these types of mishaps? Did you ever accidentally or purposely find something of your parents? Please be sure to comment and let us know!

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