I Got By With a Little Help From a Friend...

Now that the summer is finally upon us here in the North East my wife and I made the decision to buy a pool. We have a small yard and a small child so we decided to go with one of those blue "Easy Set" pools. It is only 3 ft high and 10 ft around but that is perfect for what we need.

Our yard slants down and to the left so the word Easy in the pool description is slightly misleading. There was a hole to be dug and leveling to be done, and my 4-year-old Evan was stoked to help. My initial thought was that this would be a pain in the a$$. The thought of digging and leveling a 10 ft round circle, in 90+ degrees with a 4 year old running around chased me to the fridge for a beer.

When the time finally came to get this project going I had an instantaneous change of heart and mind. While standing over the future spot of our pool I took a look over at Evan and noticed something amazing. He was looking at me and adjusting his stance to match mine. I would put my hand on my chin and he followed suit. Hands on hips, check. Hands in the air, check. Balancing on one foot to see if this was really happening, check.

I realized that he honestly just wanted to help his Dad, to be involved in something with me, just to be around me and there was no way I was going to turn that down! I grabbed an extra tape measure, piece of wood, and shovel and let him go to town. As I measured he measured. When I took a drink, of water not beer, so did he. If I wiped sweat from my brow so did he.

When the ground was finally ready and the pool was filling I could see a sense of pride in his eyes. He set the pool up. In reality he measured an unused piece of wood and barely put a hole in the ground; but in his eyes without his hard work that pool would not have water in it. And in this Dad's eyes, it never would have happened without my construction buddy

It made me sad as I began wondering how many times I had impatiently swatted he or his siblings away in a similar situation. How often do we as parents look at these moments for what they truly are, bonding time? Too often we are so on the go that all we are concerned with is the finish line and not the journey to get there. 

Sure this extra set of hands may have added thirty minutes to the total time to get the pool ready but in the end, who cares? What else was I going to do with that thirty minutes? Sit on the couch and watch a TV show? I am sure nothing as productive as creating a life long memory for two people.

Since the advent of VPN's and smart phones we are not only slaves to work, but now status updates, check-ins, and photo sharing as well. What will these people who we barely know anymore post about their day? What are they doing with their kids? 

The real question that should be asked is what am I doing with my kids? What have I missed that has been going on just over the top of my cell phone?

Please be sure to search Facebook for What I Didn't Expect While She was Expecting, look for me on Twitter @erush520, and check out my podcast www.ericrushpodcast.com

Also, check out some great Dad related articles and much more at www.brucesallan.com, follow him on Twitter @BruceSallan and search #DadChat for great tweets and articles.  Also be sure to join him every Thursday from 9-10pm (Est) for #DadChat live!

Being a parent and a son...

I wanted to take brief respite from the somewhat poor attempt at humor that these posts are generally filled with and take time to discuss something that as parents we may not necessarily think about that often, we are children as well.  The first half of this calendar year I have seen people I grew up with, friends of mine from back in the day, lose a parent, two in the past 7 days and my heart breaks for them.  None of these friends of mine and I communicate on a daily basis anymore, not because of any arguments or things of that nature, just life.  Life has a tendency of taking your plans and your daily routines and shaking them up from time to time.  Growing up with the Smiths and Taylors when they moved away there was no Facebook, Instagram, email or cell phones to keep in touch with.  As kids we were never in the house to use them anyway, we were out making new friends to fill a void that was left by the old ones who had moved on in their new town or neighborhood as well.

Growing up my father worked long hours and is not really into sports that much so having a friend whose father was around to bring his blue bag of hard balls and drill line drives or shag pop ups with was golden.  Not to mention these kids had every new video game system when it came out so on a rainy day, playing frogger or pitfall or sonic the hedgehog was a God send.  Also, as we got a little older, I was introduced to my first large scale playboy collection : ).  My formative years were spent playing with these kids and around the man who I am referencing and to those who know who I am talking about I am truly sorry for your loss.  I can't pretend to be as close to you guys now as I was then but to say I have forgotten the summers spent playing on a highway that at the time was being built or swimming in a river, or playing fumble rumbles in a third floor finished attic would be a lie.

I recently connected with an old friend from my teenage years, a man that I worked long night shifts at a fast food chain with in the dead of summer, 110 degrees flipping burgers, making 18 inch tall ice cream cones for jerks that complained the first one was too small and collecting an absurd amount of beanie babies with, that is another story for another time.  Again, we were not the closest of friends but I can say that when he was working, the shift was better, the shift was lighter, you knew there would be fun and shenanigans going on and you knew his Mom would be around at some point. While he was older than me he didn't drive, his mother drove him every day, to and from work.  In a car that he clearly was allowed to put his stamp on.  I am pretty sure his mom did not want the latest stereo or the biggest speakers or the loudest bass but he did and that was enough for her.  She was an adopted mother to him on paper, but his real mother in heart. She was quick with her wit and on more than one occasion would shoot a look at her son that made me stand at attention.  She has moved on to a more peaceful place having battled two types of cancer and she will be missed greatly by those that knew her well, as well as those that just knew her a little...

My father was a hard worker and my mother was a stay at home Mom, money was tight growing up but we really didn't notice it on a day to day basis.  We were kids, we had toys, we had food and we went places.  Life was good, times were simple compared to now.  But what I did know, was that my mom's friend had a much bigger house than us and she was super cool.  She will be remembered for many things, her hatred of Christmas having been born on Christmas Eve and her love of all things Precious Moments.... oh and the fact that she will always be the one person who fed me a dog treat (hopefully the only person that is).  This story is rooted in my desire to be a giant pain in the ass.  My mom took me over to her best friends house to play with her kids and hang out and I remember seeing these snacks on the counter that we never had.  "These must be what people in big houses snack on," I had convinced myself.  So of course I was eyeballing them all day.  Finally she told me to go ahead and take one of the snacks and blah blah something something.  I had totally tuned her out after I heard go ahead and take one, turns out the rest of the sentence was, "and give them to the dog".  I ate it.  Big bite down in what eventually would be explained to me was a dog biscuit lol.  She was my Mom's confidant, her best friend, her defacto sister if you will.

Again, life changes your surroundings on you sometimes and people move, change school districts and life takes you away.  While I will never try to pass off her children as my best friends growing up, we were however connected.  Since the advent of social media we have connected several times, talked shop, talked family, talked kids, and unfortunately talked loss.  My mothers friend battled long and hard against cancer and ultimately lost the fight in the beginning of this year.  She, along with her children, had all found their way to the Carolinas and I had not seen them for quite some time.  A memorial was held here, in NJ, and her kids and their kids were there.  I was able to talk to them, connect, meet their children and share that dog treat story again.  It was an honor to know this woman and her family, she is known to my kids as Aunt and always will be.

So why so much talk of sorrow on this post?  I was thinking about this last night as I thought about all of these parents and how these children (even though they are in their 30's now) must be feeling and it brought on the realization that sometimes we need to really stop and take stock in who we are to everyone around us.  We get so caught up in being a parent, a sibling, an employee, a co-worker, a friend that we forget the one thing we were literally born to be, a son or daughter.  We sit and worry over and cry for our children, wishing we could help them, wishing we could carry them over the troubled times or at least hold them up as they traverse life that we forget that our parents are thinking the same thing about us.  It's hard to be a parent and a child, everyone does it at some point but it is difficult.  All the things we lose sleep over because of our kids we did, or are currently doing, to our parents.  While they may not be able to physically do the same things or have the desire to do them they still wiped our butts, tears, and blood when we needed them to.

Mortality is not an easy topic to deal with, it is not fun, it is not uplifting, it is nothing but certain.  I feel for these people, these friends, these acquaintances.  I cannot imagine what it feels like to be missing someone who was there for EVERYTHING from the moment you took your first breath.  I guess maybe what I am saying is that it is important to remember to hug your parents a little tighter from time to time, make time to talk to them, ensure them that your life is good, things are moving in the right direction, and you have not forgotten all the good they have done because one day you might not be able to.

Sexy time... Oh shit! There is a kid in the room

Growing up as a child I can't imagine there is anything worse than walking into your parent's bedroom and coming face to ass with them on their bed.  While this never happened to me personally I know it happened to my sister and my wife and a few other scarred women I have talked to about this.  I think the reason is inherent to the nature of males and females.  Women are, by nature, friggin nosey and as kids I have seen they are far less cautious when coming to their parent's fortress of solitude, while boys are born with knowing that "if this bed room is rocking don't come a knocking"!
I think that from the time I was old enough to know that my parents "did it" the fear of seeing any back sack or side boob when I opened the door kept me far away from their room, especially if the door was closed.  I have talked about this with one of my friends at work who has kids and he told me his sister walked in on his parents but he and his brother knew that if they heard an owl statue slide across the floor to block the door then there was no way they were entering their bedroom, or even a 15 foot radius for that matter.
With that being said, our bedroom door is usually left cracked open as we are at one end of the hall and Evan is at the other so we need to be able to hear.  But when the mood hits the first thing that happens is the door gets closed.  I am thinking that the kids are smart enough to realize that when the door is closed the risk is no where worth whatever answer they are seeking because we have yet to be caught in the act.
I did however get caught asking today.  Our boys spent the night with my sister in-law (See Tina, I remembered this time!) Tami is with her mother, and Justine is rarely home these days so we had the house to ourselves... or so I thought.  Shawna was sitting on the couch when I walked into the living room from the kitchen and the second the first half of a sentence that started with, "Let's go upstairs...." left my mouth I noticed Justine standing behind the wall in my blind spot!
I immediately tried to cover it by adding, "because I am so friggin tired I need to take a nap," but I am pretty sure the damage was already done.  Now this is nothing like walking into a room mid act but I can't imagine that was pleasant for her at all.
I guess the moral of this story is that once you have kids your bedroom antics are never totally safe, unless your bedroom for the night is in a hotel, or ALL of your kids are sleeping at another house far, far away from yours.

High school graduations are not for the faint of heart

Hey there everyone!  I am going to take a different approach to this post and move away from the antics of my youngest and move on to the antics of my two oldest.  For those who don't know, I have two daughters that will be graduating High School in a little over two weeks, Justine is 18 and Tami is 17.  They couldn't have taken any more different paths through their senior year to get to this point either.

Justine took a more laid back approach to scheduling to sort of "coast" through this year and be able to enjoy and soak up the last few months of her high school career with classes like, Everyday cooking, Just Desserts, consumer math, study hall, study hall, study hall, forensics, marine biology.  While I admit the last two are not necessarily classes you can sleep through, they are classes that she is extremely interested in rather than being forced into.  This kid watches Law & Order type shows every day and is going to be getting her Bacehlor's in Marine Biology so these classes definitely peaked her interest more than say, Algebra 2 would have and her grades proved it.  She has had the ability to take the foot off of the gas the last few weeks and coast to the finish line, with stops at senior skip day and a day at the beach with many of her classmates.

Tami on the other hand made a decision at some point to make this the most stressful few months (until very recently) I have dealt with in a long time.  Tami's schedule looked like this, Algebra 2, Economics & Financial literacy, Introduction to Business, English, and a couple of gimme classes like pottery and guitar.  Now I am not saying she had an all AP level schedule but for her she was about as booked as she could be.  Couple that with a bunch of visits to the nurse and trying to stay home from not feeling well (will get to that another post) and her lack of handing things in on time / at all in English she was placed on the "Danger" list for seniors.  This is basically a list of students in their Senior year that are in danger of not graduating for either academic or attendance issues.

"What the fuck!!!!" I yelled in my head (Is that possible?  I feel like I "yell" inside my head a lot to keep from yelling out of my mouth).  "How the hell is this possible???"  Turns out she had been doing the assignments and not handing them in on time or at all and missing class for various reasons (nurse, counselor, bathroom?!?!?!?), along with a dip in her grade.  I think that she really took this senioritis thing a bit too far and began slamming (not pumping) the breaks in the middle of the 2nd marking period.

Needless to say this had lead to numerous phone calls with the counselors and emails back and forth with the teacher and grade checking for a few weeks but it finally seems like she has kicked it back into overdrive.  As long as the grades stay where they are and she does not miss another class all will work out fine in the end.  So at least all the stress is gone now.... right?.... WRONG!

Now we have PROM dresses to buy, a graduation party to plan and pay for (Did you know that One, Uno, Un, Single, Individual Port-a-Potty can cost up to $300 F$$$$$G!?!?!?)  Thankfully a good GREAT family friend knows someone who can get one for $85 but still, HOLY CRAP!  Food for 100 people, chairs, a tent, music, plates, cups, plasticware, food, food, food and more food, decorations, gifts (for the girls).  Then there is the party prep at my in-laws - cutting down trees and helping prep the yard, figuring out how we are getting everything up there and back, where the tables are coming from, the chairs, where are we going to sleep, do we get this or that, do we bring enough for all the invites even though they didn't RSVP? (apparently that answer is YES).  AAAAAAHHHHHHHH (my head is spinning!!!!)

In all honesty it got so overwhelming I started to feel a little sick, I even had a day where my brain was so screwy I started dropping things (eggs at home, drinks at shop rite).  It's non-sense!  I honestly can't wait for the party to be over so I can drink to my success at helping to raise two beautiful and intelligent women.  After all, while the graduation is your child's success first, it is part yours as well.  You play a huge role in this.  Don't forget, it was you who sat and helped them learn to read, write, do math problems, tie their shoe, pack their lunch, it was you who took them to their dances and early morning field trips.  You organized the birthday parties and drove them everywhere they needed to go.

It is going to be an emotional few days, they graduate on a Thursday night and their party is the following Saturday but it is going to be oh so sweet.  I can't sit here and say I will be 100% glad their school careers are over (k12 that is), I will still miss the days of being involved with everything, as much as we were able to be anyway.  I just think back to their little faces before school started, back to the excitement for middle school and sheer terror before High School.  The sense of accomplishment in the band recitals, sporting events and dance competitions.  My heart is melting now as I type this.  I can see these things like they were yesterday.

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